i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
