I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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