Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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