I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
