Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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