All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
