so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My liver just had a heart attack.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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