She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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