I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
