That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
