we made out on top of his cat.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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