I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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