so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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