I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
