I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
