im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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