a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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