hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
