Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
