I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
