five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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