Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish you could order shots online.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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