Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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