I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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