Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
