i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
