I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
