I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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