oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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