Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
