my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
