haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
