You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
