i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Every concussion has its silver lining
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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