I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
