Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
