I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
