I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
