There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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