from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
sex in a hospital.. check
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
