HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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