I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
