Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
