Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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