i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
