wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
