my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
