You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
