Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
