peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
