just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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