I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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