i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
