i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
