shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
