You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
