i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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