Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The best revenge is premature balding
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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