I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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