So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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