Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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