Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
