my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
high people should be assigned attendants
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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