I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
